Santa a Terrorist… Breaking News….

It has been reported that a large gentleman with a white beard and a red suit has been apprehended in the United States. The gentleman in question, seen driving a sleigh recklessly at high speed, and carrying surveillance equipment, was escorted by two  helicopters to the local airport and later transferred to Guantanamo Bay, where President Bash will take personal responsibility for his interrogation.

A gentleman of similar appearance has recently been identified in the UK as a “hoody” and has repeatedly been asked to leave several shopping malls. Previously, he was thought to have relocated to the zoo, however this is now known to have been an impostor.

President Bash alleges that the bearded guy does not hold a valid passport and is wanted in approximately 43 counties for a range of offences, including breaking & entering and rooftop tile damage.

Bash claims the geezer with the beard has been known to operate under several aliases, including Santa Claus, St Nicholas and more recently, Father Christmas.

cc by Hermielou Maria

A lawyer for Mr Claus claims that he has been repeatedly abused and threats made against his reindeer.  Photographs backing this claim have unofficially been released, however the only thing identifiable on these photographs is an Aussie Barbecue.

A large sack of unmarked parcels was also found in Mr Claus possession, he claims that these are to be marked up for children around the world once he has completed his annual surveillance of good and bad kids, presumably hoping this explains away the night vision goggles found in the front seat of his sleigh.

cc by debaird

Observers and analysts believe President Bash’s behaviour is directly related to trauma in his own childhood, likely because nobody bought him a teddy bear.

cc by Tom Brogan

An official spokesperson for the Government has stated that they do not believe Mr Claus’ claims that he was doing a practice run for Christmas.  The spokesperson went on to state that several pictures of the offender have been widely distributed this year and they are glad to have finally made the capture.

British and Australian Governments are working together to secure the release of Mr Claus in time for Xmas, time is running short though and his release is looking increasingly unlikely.