Dear Ian, No jetski for you this year!!!

A copy of a letter from Santa to my Brother in Law, December 2008

Dear Ian….

Called in on JayJinx today, she asked me to drop you a line to explain why there won’t be a jet ski in your Christmas stocking this year.

Courtesy of David Blackwell  cc

Truth is, I am strapped for cash, aside from the GFC and all of the usual Christmas expense, I had to fund Rudolph joining a gym, just between us, he has eaten too many mince pies! 

Then there is Mrs Santa!! What a woman!

She wants to move house! Got a bit of a bee in her bonnet, about “moving somewhere warmer”. Can you believe it? After all these years, she has suddenly decided she has had enough snow. An age thing probably, a bit wobbly on her feet and starting the feel the cold more than once upon a time.

I made her a new pair of slippers – one of our reindeer passed on in September and while we thought about a new rug in front of the fire, Mrs S. came first!

The elves aren’t happy (surprise!), they don’t think they will look good in swimwear, they are also quite fond of their little hats and don’t feel they will be suited to a hot climate. Of course, they are all worried about the relocation cost!

cc by Christmas Stock Images

Our elves have been dropping hints about a salary increase!!!!  Lots of  snide little comments about inflation and  “OMG have you seen the price of a pair of sunnies?” They haven’t had a pay rise since 1930, so I’m considering a 1% increase.

And what about the price of the removals! Can you imagine the expense of shifting the entire toy factory? Real estate isn’t getting any cheaper, doesn’t bear thinking about! Here at the North Pole, land is “cost effective”, after all, who wants to live here? Not even Mrs S! Elsewhere, prices are through the roof! (Ouch, shouldn’t have mentioned rooves!! Had a bit of a nasty landing earlier this week) I can’t see how we will be able to shift this place quickly! We’ll be lucky to get the asking price!

Anyway, I can hear you ask, what has this got to do with my jet ski? How about everything? Duhhhh!

Jet ski’s don’t come cheap! Don’t think we didn’t try, even held an emergency summit with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny to talk it through. We had a couple of choices, either buy you a jet ski and deny thousands of little children that special moment on Christmas morning, or don’t buy you a jet ski and proceed with the order of cinders. Rudolph (as always) stuck his big red nose in. He voted for the jet ski but then he hates doing the cinder run!

 The Easter Bunny was in favour too, but he just wanted to test drive a few, typical, I find him a little selfish and … ermmmmm … LAZZZZZY!  You just wouldn’t believe it! He thinks making a few chocolate eggs each year means he can sit back on his fluffy bobble tail for the rest of the time. He has no idea! He should try doing Christmas sometime!! A job swap would soon sort him.

Sorry! I shouldn’t burden you with my problems. Stressed! Time of the year!! Washed the old red suit this morning and it has shrunk! Of course Mrs S hinted I had overdone the Christmas pud, but I am sticking with “its shrunk”. Might have to go with the blue one instead, been dying to try it for years to be honest, really fancy something a bit different – for a change! Red is just so “retro” these days …

The Tooth Fairy was passionately against the jet ski!  I don’t know what you have done to upset her, but she said you would only get one “over her dead body”!!  (As she wouldn’t be much use dead (couldn’t even knit a finger mitt), we would prefer to keep her happy).  She has had an expensive year too; apparently the price for teeth has sky rocketed so she is playing the stress card and making too many rash decisions.  She is even hinting at retiring!  That’ll upset a lot of littlies …

The arguments raged for hours until Mrs S stepped in. She reminded us to ask the “BIG question”! Have you really been a good boy? Well I can tell you, that stopped everybody! No more arguments! Yes! You know what I am talking about don’t you? You haven’t been totally honest have you? Remember? That little “incident” earlier this year? We’ll leave it at that shall we? Let’s just say that you will be lucky to find ANYTHING in your Xmas stocking this year! Even cinders might be pushing it!

Well I hope that explains it all for you. I have to dash … Lots to do!

Have a great Christmas

Father C!